Unless someone can change my mind....and that might be you.

On second thoughts......I am such a bastard man......

Skipped the 3rd training in a row......hiaz...locking up the emotions....

ANYWAY, I am feeling much better now. Thank god. Just realised that today is 1st May which is Labour Day. That translates into 1 lost holiday from the calender. DAMN.

Today has to be a productive day. I have been slacking ever since I got back on Tuesday and the work is piling sky high....RATS...Life is such a repetition. Got to get that haircut too and find out about some important stuff from my teacher and friends. This world is really quite unfair at times and sometimes admiration should be given to those that dare to take that alternative route. I probably foresee myself sticking with the system all my life unlike others who have or is going to break out soon....

Blame myself for being HUM JI.....

Going to wash up.............

Great...I am sick...running a fever. Just got home from the clinic though. There was this really really pretty girl in the clinic...LOL...but she looked so so sick...

Feeling much better now with the panadol.

I feel an immense sense of guilt and wastefulness. Was just taking a look at the trophies and medals and the 'ZHENG XIAN SINGAPORE' on my mask. I really wonder how far I have come you know...since about a year ago. And this surely is the beginning of the end...I really wonder what would be the outcome if I hold on...

I am not going to use 'held on' because I still have a chance of turning this around. But the truth is, I am torn between holding on and giving up....and like so many other things....in the end I will probably give up......that is how weak I am.....

OH WELL...........I AM JUST DAMN FUCKED UP

I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING GET ANY WORK DONE......FUCK.......AND I HAVE FUCKING A LOT OF WORK AND TEST LOOMING UP.......

FUCKING NA BEI.

pissed

Just tell me what to do...
Just tell me what you are thinking...

Save me....the guessing game is killing..so is the sense of guilt.

Why and how on earth did it turn out to be like this?

I am absolutely disgusted that I let down a person that at least placed a certain degree of trust and hope in me. I want so much to help him out. But what about myself then? What about the mental anguish that I have been suffering....

I just managed to free myself a bit yesterday by asking for a reduction in trainings...Now, a part of me wants to just go and train everyday...but for what reason, I don't know.

I am just so FUCKED....is it the time to be selfish.........ARGH

I did it. Even though I screwed it up a bit, at least I made a start. I guess I can reduce the number of times I go for training already. Now, fencing is more of a leisure/ keep fit/ interesting activity rather than an obligation. Deep down, I know that my fencing future is gone. This is the beginning of the end....kind of sad that I wasn't able to be strong and juggle both studies and sports....but I don't regret...at least for now...

Anyway, the rebellion has started. I am not going training today. Tomorrow yes...but probably in for some scolding...BUT...who cares. Lots of school work to catch up today...hiaz..and it seems my teacher doesn't think I am that good...I was going to say something like 'Impossible is Nothing'...after the fencing saga, I realised that my mental state isn't that strong...so shall refrain from making such comments...haha...

Just signed up for the SAT II physcis paper..FOR FUN...LOL. Have decided to take the examination in 2 sittings. Once in June and the other in December. I still don't know how many subjects I should take man! DARN...just signed up for one to test the waters....CAN ALWAYS TAKE 3 IN DEC.....LOLOLOL....that is damn gay...

Something good happened today! Received a letter from my mother's union! I won $350 for my academic performance last year. This is $150 up from the usual $200 that I have been receiving during my secondary school years....YEAH!!! Getting money is goooooooddddd.....

I think I will take a short break then proceed on to do lots of work.

and make the deicision

I still cannot make a decision. I have spent almost all the time from just now, which is 2 pm until now pondering whether to quit or not...

This is a very big decision simply because it will be irreversible, it is and either quit or continue ......

I don't wish to write anymore.....I need to talk to people to relieve stress....

I am really damn stressed out now. I want to make a decision by today. So I think I will write down all the reason why I should quit and try and counter them to arrive at the best possible decision

Why I should quit

1. I have no desire to fence anymore
2. Training is too tough
3. I would prefer studying and getting good results
4. I cannot/ am too tired to balance both studies and sports.
5. I want to purse a more relaxing life
6. I have no hope of improving
7. I want to do something I like

Why I shouldn't not quit

1. I still like fencing a bit, just that training is too tough
2.
3/4. Impossible is nothing. I can balance both if I stretch myself to the limits
5. Representing the nation is really presitgious
6. I might improve if I train really hard
7. Might be letting coach down

What should I do?

You know, the time to make a decision has come again. One that I have procastinate again and again. Such indecisiveness will probably kill me. In fact, I am sure it will. But the delay is to give me addition time to think. I don't want to regret. However, I will regret either way. I know myself far to well...I am just weak...damn it

I really want to stop. But a tiny part of me is hanging on...and that part is just enough to make me reconsider.

And, I really am in no mood for school tomorrow. Kinda suddenly in a bad mood. I don't really know why...decision making probably is the root cause of it. I am just to burnt out and jaded to do anything productive tonight. I really want to enjoy tonight and throw all the worries til tomorrow.

I am a bit down at the moment.....why aint you replying? Maybe it is wishful thinking. But I can give up anything. That is one of the things I do best. Giving up.

AHHHH....I am finally home after 9 days away in Manila..

I can't really be bothered to read about the trip since it will be so long....but then it was really an experience...

But I performed disastrously in the competition.....oops......not that I wasn't expecting it...oh well....

The most important thing about the trip...is that I discovered..maybe...just maybe..I am a bit.....yeah.....whatever...haha

Off to the TV......

I took the NAPFA test today...and it was quite a disaster ...not unlike most of my friends.

Situps was good as I managed 53, 10 above the A mark. But it was a drop from the 56 last year. Still, I didn't push myself after the 43 mark so it is a satisfactory result

Standing board jump was disgusting! I missed the A mark by 1 cm. The distance of 251 cm was an improvement over last year but with YL and co. all jumping well, it really is pissing!

Sit and reach was bad! A drastic reduction from 62 to 54 cm! I think partly it is because of the teacher not setting up the station properly...I have no idea why I couldn't stretch further...I think I didn't push myself to the max...hiaz

Pull ups was ok. I achieved 11 easily but stopped there. I did stop to rest for a split second at the 8th and 10th pull up though.

Shuttle run was the event that I screwed up THE MOST. SHIT. And to think I always pride myself to have one of the fastest timings. Added 0.4 sec to get a 9.5 sec. I usually do NOT TRIP and run in curve paths! My technique was the best man! I always ran straight, stretched to the max and accelerate off! DAMN IT IT IT IT. I tripped twice on the first run getting a 10 flat while once on the second run to get a 9.5......FUCK

2.4km run was terrible...HAHA...ain't too upset by that since I was kind of expecting it. A 10 min 45 sec run...My timing increased by 28 secs. Hiaz

Overall AAABB...I think I am going for the retest just to prove myself.

The reasons for not doing well.......

The weather was too hot...34 degrees
The lack of sleep due to the TV programme
The lack of the mindset
The lack of the competitive environment

How come so much fencing training isn't doing any good? FUCK IT

The match is certainly a disaster, it is certainly going to rain, I am more certain I will take NAPFA tomorrow...

DAMN SIAN

Sunday is gone too...or almost gone. Really nothing to look forward too..still in the SIAN sort of mood..

Anyway, since I haven't been blogging much recently, let me write something today.

The Newcastle-Villa match is currently on and I am monitoring it very closely using the 'Live Commentary' of soccernet.com. NUFC is really getting raped with only 1 shot to reply to Villa's 6. And they are 1 man down. A double substitution has just been made...I don't agree with the manager's decision, but hopefully he is right. If NUFC can win this match, they would almost be certainly guaranteed 4th spot if they do not screw up the rest of the matches...I have great faith in them....GOGOGOGO....

Packing is almost done...I got a feeling that I overpacked for the trip. But I think better safe than sorry. HAHA...As the trip looms up, so is the time to make some very big decisions. It is kind of difficult to do so....because of various factors...WTH...I will whack the competition first before thinking any further.

Mum bought blueberry jam today!!!! YEAHHH..It is one of my favourite bread spreads and I just specially toasted two pieces of wholemeal bread to taste the jam. It was rather good! I really love to eat....wahhhhh

Still considering whether to take NAPFA tomorrow...Taking it would relieve myself of some burden, plus I am in a good condition to do pull ups now having only stop training for them a week ago. But I don't want to exert myself...maybe it is an omen? Not taking it would be good as I can rest up for the trip on Tuesday but that means I might have to wait for a few more months..and god knows, my pull ups might deteoriate from 12 to like 6?!?!?!!? NO WAY AFTER I SPENT 3 WEEKS TO BUILD IT BACK UP. But if I don't go for fencing, I might be able to train my NAPFA.....hmmm...
More decisions to make....hiaz

Just heard thunder in the distance, it is time for some rain. The past few days have been sorching...in fact, I am currently hiding in my air-conditioned room....

Didn't do much work today..sort of finished the electrochemistry tutorial and am planning on finishing the last Chemistry S question. Maybe do some mroe light reading...

BLOODY HELL.......I am so bloody sian and slack..........I am damn pissed now.....for no reason.

I am so damn bored man. Drifting about the house aimlessly...I don't find like doing any work even though I have to. I am not doing any packing too.

In a word, SIAN.

Have been slacking ever since I got home at around 11 30 am. What the hell am I thinking...? Got this feeling that I am slightly burnt out...much of it probably due to the stress I am applying on myself. Think I will just do 1 chemistry question and some light reading later...

I would like to talk to someone talkable....if there is such a person and word....

Oh, being a very FREE person, I watched the much touted show 'Turn Left Turn Right'. It wasn't very good. I can't say it is bad, but it didn't live up to expectations.

Today is the first day I used the 3M post-its...haha...it was a gift for my house warming last year...LOL

...save me...

I won't allow myself to fail you. I am going there not for the experience, but to give them the experience. Your faith will be repaid.

Damn it. Everything is screwed.

Just got home from training. It eas surprisingly ok. I thought I would get screwed. Have many things to plan and pack for the trip, but I really don't have the mood to do it now. I think I will push it back to Sunday.

1. Confirm air ticket
2. Confirm meeting place and time
3. Confirm equipment
4. Pack Luggauge


DAMN SIAN. I am mentally stretched.

Life is testing.

Too many things have happened, are happening and are going to happen.

Getting stressed out totally...so I will just do a quickie before heading back to work..HAHAHA

There really is a heat wave....the temperature has been around 35 degrees for the past few days...Amazingly, I am almost going to die just because of a small increase in a few degrees. Makes me wonder if those doomsday scenario due to gobal warming would come true....

Borrowed Gattac from the library for my family. I really liked that show for its story. A fantastic representation of the limitless power imbued in each of us. 'There is no gene for the human spirit'...What does this phrase really mean? I thought I knew the meaning....but on thinking deeper...I don't think so. It kind of links back to the ending of MGS...which is also one of the games I really like....

I am going to work now....the troubles I have will certainly crush anyone...but it ain't going to get me down....because....I AM THE BEST.

Rushed home right after school ended. Currently hiding in an air-conditioned room at home. I think this sucks. The late night show yesterday certainly took its toll on me. Was half day the whole day, almost died in the sun during PE and certainly would have died if school ended a few minutes later...

The weather today is really unbearably hot...I wonder what is the temperature....

School was ok....but my class got thrashed in handball....HAHA...it wasn't unexpected...but just that some of the guys like DONALD played really well....it is our jinx sport I guess....LOL

Anyway, here am I rushing home after school like a fag...nothing doing anything productive but only complaining about training later....

I have thought of 2 alternatives for today....IF I didn't not have training that is....SHIT

I could have lunch in school, talk to some friends and just slack about until I feel happy and leave with ken for home. Then on getting home, take a good shower, have a short nap until about 5 pm. Get some work done and dinner will take me til 9 pm for my show. Watch 'xun qin ji' and do some pull ups and then after it ends shower and get down to more work....and at about 12 R&R

or I could have stayed in school for Maths S paper spending some time in the library doing the latest Math S tutorial, then attend the lecture and leave for home with some friends. Have dinner and do some work until 9 pm...etc etc...


IN SHORT...my day is rush home from school, have some lunch, read the papers, complain on my blog, sleep, training....get home missing a FRICKING 30 mins of my show, shower and sleep without doing any work...IN SHORTER FORM.....FUCKED UP

And if I get screwed for not going tomorrow, I will certainly go bonkers...

bye.

The feeling of absolute sian-ness have overtaken me recently. It hit me yesterday and I thought a bout of lanning would cure it. But today, it hit me after my nap and I haven't recovered from it ever since.

I think the problem is I give myself to much stress. I put myself under the impression that there are many things to be done and deadlines to meet when there aint that many.

The japanese serial just ended......

And after thinking through, I think I should give myself a little breather at times. Not too much just in case I slacken off, which I obviously cannot and would not allow myself to, but just enough to keep a happy and health mental state.

Life indeed is about choices. The courage to make them is often in lacking rather than choices though....

I just TOTALLY wasted an hour on the NS registration NONSENSE. Indeed, the past hour has been the most useless one this year.

Lanning maddness yesterday. I got drenched on the way to the LAN shop and my brain got fried at the LAN shop. But nonetheless, it was ust mindless fun, which was good since I was on the verge of puking from the stress of work and all.

It has suddenly started to rain. Really heavy with very strong winds. My window was trembling for a while. Was rather afraid that it might shatter.....

FUCKING HELL..TRAINING ON MONDAY NIGHT....WHAT THE FUCK
AND I HAVE TO SKIP S PAPER FOR FUCKING FUCKSHIT

SHOULDN'T IT BE STUDIES AROUND FUCKING FENCING RATHER THAN THE OTHER WAY AROUND?

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING!

FUCK IT...ALL YOU FUCKING FUCKERS SHOULD FUCKING DIE!

The past 2 days have been ok. But rather unproductive. And later I have to burnt my afternoon doing CIP...hiazz...so I shall make this quick to MAKE time for work

Noticed that today's papers have republished and article about comestic implantation of jewellery into the eye. Not too sure, but I think the Straits Times published it on Friday. Came out today too, but had an addition column abour health warnings...LOL...that's a first...

I have been slightly upset by the way things are going now in Iraq. It seems like the 'second' war might have already started. Though I am not a pro-US person, it is just sickening to read about people dying everyday due to the fighting. I bet Geroge Bush is regretting the invasion of Iraq right now in the White House...LOL..Worse still, the insurgents are now resorting to kipnapping hostages...which will probably be killed if their respective governments don't pull out..which would probably not happen..which probably means that they are as good as dead...HIAZ.

This year is also the year of elections isn't it? I think there must have been at least 10 elections publicized in the papers already...Spain, Malaysia, Taiwan...the latest being Alegria.......woah...I wonder if it is some mathematical trend....maybe it is..that caused all this....haha..THAT IS DAMN GAY

And also in the papers, more news about Singapore's thrust into the gaming industry. I have been interested in this ever since a few years about when EDB announced that it was going to enter the gaming market...Both EDB and IDA would be involved in this and that just put me a little closer to my dream because I have been invited to scholarship talks by both of them...but sad to say...they are interested in attracting the large MNCs fron US, Japan to setup offices and studios here...but not as enthusiastic about helping local companies.....

I have tailored my dream a little....I want to setup my own gaming company instead of working for one.

My breakfast just came in...hmm...It is oval and brown rasied into an elongated dome shape, with dark brown spots on it...and when I asked my Mum what it was...she said 'Don't know..just eat!'..can you guess what it is? HAHAHA

I have found the first interesting topic in Biology to date...Food Biotechnology.

Gosh....it is really a good read.

Anyway, just finished watching my TV show...tomorrow's episode..looks very very exciting. I really cannot wait....BUT WHY DID HE HAVE TO KILL HER!!!! THAT BASTARD!...and why did she have to die......argh. DANG!

wth! wtf! woof!....time for a shower and some Maths S and hopefully some other work.

That's a dog's life.

Got home early at around 2 30 pm. Training really is going to start.....hiaz.

Fumble about Maths S for 2 hours. Did 2 out of 11 question...don't even quite understand my own methods. What a pathetic joke.....

Itching to play some Final Fantasy soon. I know that the mp3s would be taken down soon, but I didn't know it would be that soon....

DANG....I shall go do some other work after sufficient rest.

5 more days and hell will be upon me. again. My legs are hurting for no reason.

Just go home and finished dinner. Had a rather useless Chemistry S lecture because I wasn't exactly what you would call an attentive student. DAMN.

Listening to a tune called 'Where I belong'. Sometimes, I wonder where I belong in the world...

And my English really suck, BUT, I manage to get through the GP presentation today, which is really good. But then again, I can't help but feel inadequate.

Realised that my musings are usually short incoherent bits flying about in my mind, materialised by flying electrons.

I am really quite tired now...but hands are trembling...but work beckons......

I have found the reason for motivation.....

The anterior ligaments of my left knee hurts like crazy...

WTH!

I was looking forward to today's class soccer match. WHICH WAS DISASTROUS. I must really put on my scoring boots...SHIT....yet another chance go to waste....but nonetheless, it was great fun....except that it was as fun as expected......

I just found out that I lost my pair of precious adidas sandles...DAMN IT....at fricking clementi stadium last Saturday. That place is really bad luck.

Received my physics scores today. They were good, but as usual still room for improvement.

And a chat after school with my teacher has made me all the more determined to show him that all those olympiad people, no disrespect, are not that fantastic. I don't think they are superior intellectually to me. The only thing I admit is that they do know more than me. But that is not because they are smart, but because they are interested.

Anyway, later..off to work now!

I hope/pray/whatever. I just want good results for common test one.

I have been slacking the dya alway since 4 pm. Hiaz. But I really am lethargic. Too burnt out to do anything. SHIT. This is damn negaive thinking. I must rid it!!!!!

I have structured my relaxation program too. From monday to friday, I will watch 'xun qin ji' from 9 pm to 10 pm. On saturday, thou shall ABSTAIN from TV. On sunday, it will be 'xiao bao yu kang xi' from 11 am to 1 pm and the new japanese show from 11 pm. SHIT. BAD TIME TO BE A TV ADDICT.

I think I have to cut down the time I spent online too. SHIT.

Damn it. But all these worries will get thrown out if my CT 1 results are good. In fact, I am thinking of possible outings on the Good Friday. Hahaha.

But seriously, what work is there to do? I can't find any man. And revising old work day in day out really isn't very useful. I need productive things to do. But when training starts, I will be begging for time. BUT, I might........whatever.....I might not screw up this year.........

I MUST BE A XIAO CAO REN..........4A 2A1 3D FC!!!!!!

My mail to Hollywoodclicks worked. They sent an email to confirm my cancellation. But I am wondering why no one is picking up their hotline and my account is STILL WAITING FOR APPROVAL...on their website.

The recent weather has been really wet. As I am writing, dark clouds are floating across my window. The speed is really amazing. I think the rain will be terrible later. Already, I can hear the thunder.

Just finished up whatever bits of the S paper tutorials I could manage. Really sick of them..so quite glad that I can put them aside. Actually, having been doing much recently apart from some studying and the usual homework.

My interest for all things Final Fantasy have been rekindled. I have been downloading the OSTs from the various websites. Would probably try and get them all before burning them onto CD-Rs. Am also toying with the idea of playing FF8 using the laptop since it is more powerful than the desktop which I am currently using now.

Life is rather aimless these days. Hmmmmm...Oh..when you are not in the position of power, you tend to get abused. And can't do anything about it. Just saw my name on the school website for sporting achievements..LOL..IT SURE FEELS GOOOOODD..but the DAMN useless computer club members got my name wrong. I wonder what the heck are they doing. Just a bunch of freaking camping in an air-conditioned room and they cannot type properly. YF! Please teach your members typing!!!!

Onto a more serious matter, I think the school administration made a mistake somewhere and I benefited somehow. I hope they don't find out the mistake. DAMN IT...But I can't really complain if they do right. But after some thinking, even if they do, I wouldn't be affected as much...

The mundane world...I need to escape reality...maybe that is why I watch so much TV and play so many games...RPGs...haha....I have a date with the TV at 11 pm tonight.

Just took a stupid nap from 3 plus to 5 pm. YUCKS.

One of the perils of living along a corridor is you get to smell your neighbour's good cooking. Take it whichever way you want it....haha

I am bored. Yet, I want to be bored....in circles like always.

Woah, it is already 3 pm. Time really flies when I am slacking.

There is a really pretty japanese girl on tv now. WOAH.

I got home really early today, planning to do some serious work as the day before was unproductive having slept at 11 pm last night after 'xun qin ji'.

So far.....it has been terrible. Chemistry and maths S are really no joke. I feel like puking soon. I have been staring at 7 vectors question for the past 2 hours without anything done. DAMN IT.

Worse still, I have been hounded by people to go for training. FRATS.

I have the rest of my day planned already...I will have dinner and rest from now until 7 pm, then study Quantum physics, read up the biotechnology notes and revise 2 topics on chemistry. Then it should be 9 pm and just in time to escape reality..and do pull ups. After the show, I will take a shower and go online to search for materials for my GP presentation until 11 pm. Then, I will revise another 2 topics of physics nad probably do some maths....then it is R&R until whatever time I feel like sleeping.

That is my plan.....woah!