Closure

It's finally here, as if all this while I have been unknowningly drifting towards this conclusion, towards this day. I am greatly sadden that idealistic notions remains just that-ideas.

Maybe it's me, but I prefer to err on the safe side. The stony, unfeeling replies you give liken to those I heap unto others, and you, not too long ago.

As said in the post before this, finality comes sometimes as a shock. But I rather welcome it this time. 6 months is a time long enough. This post should belong to yesterday, to last year, to the past. Writing it now seems so unappropriate...hell.

.Fullstop, period. Yup, it has all ended. A part of me still thinks its possible to salvage the situation, but I have wisen up quite a great deal. What has happened, like the last sunset of past year, will never be undone. And the lesson is in the reason why things unfolded that way.

I blame not you, but myself. Foolish me. Haha. Last night's thoughts cannot be recalled and I at best can only give this hazy vision of what I have in mind last year.

And that, is that.

The End.

Written: 311205, 9:45 PM

You know, time really can't be turned back. As I was surfing through
the gallery of 2005's last sunrises and sunsets, I felt it most
acutely. No matter how much I want to, this year's last sunset is gone
and there is no way, absolutely no way to photograph it.

The finality of the situation chills the soul. Sometimes, we need to
see past the mesh of false hopes and self deceive to arrive at the
core of things. There are times when there is no second chance, no way
out, no reprieve.

It's like staring death in the face.

***

Spent and am still spending my time in a place that probably isn't
befitting the end of a year.

Did some work, read a bit, mingled with the guys and later might even
go ahead with work through the midnight and into the New Year. But
somehow, I feel unsatisfied. I feel I have wasted my time....or is it
just me and my biasness?

I don't know.

2005 will end in 2 hours time? How was 2005 you ask? Like all years,
it had it's ups and downs. In my current mood, I rather thought it to
be dreadful.

2006 won't start in the nicest of ways; that's a fact. However, my New
Year resolution forbids me to think with such negativity.

So...

2005 taught me a great deal because all things happen for a reason and
the lesson to learn is in that reason. And for that, 2005 have been
good.

2006 is going to be better.

Bye
tc.

It's New Year's Eve and I am awake at such a time because of reasons that I do not wish to go into.

Having to report later for duty that wasn't suppose to be mine plain sucks. Throw in a couple of more things into the mix: missing the class chalet, sleeping through Friday afternoonn and evening and enduring a day without the comforts that electricity can bring. I feel absolutely dissed that my luck is so plainly rotten.

I got to go shower and pack my bag. Will have to do a countdown in camp, alone as well. The next saddest New Year besides the one I slept through...

Cya on Sunday morning with loads to write. For now, time constraints.

The year in passing

Quite a few days ago, it suddenly dawned upon me that my teenage years are really ending-in a month's time, thereabouts.

Of course this is literal because next year I am no longer a (insert)teen year old. Would be 20 actually, young to some, old to others. But I am surprised that time has passed so fast. Maybe it's because the memories of my younger years have not faded as much as I thought it would be when I am 20.

I often recollect the more significant things that happened: in primary school, in secondary school and even junior college. Things that I don't think its worth mentioning here. Perhaps, I should really learn to let go of the past. You know, start afresh, like a blank canvas.

Guess it would be easier to paint or live.

***

I start work now.

Tired.

It's most unfortunate that work seems to be picking up just as my class chalet approaches. Hiaz.

***

I find that I have yet to discover the intricacies of maneuvering through the office place and a comment today made me realise some of the 2005 resolutions will appear in 2006's as well. =S.

Hopefully, I will conclude the application speedily and get some much needed rest. The TV is too loud for me to write. Cya later.

Stuff I need

I lack clothes. Whenever my Mum complains that I consistently re-wear the same few pieces of clothing, telling her that I only own 1 pair of jeans and 1 pair of bermudas shuts her up pretty well, until today that is.

My Mum dragged me out to get my second pair of jeans. Half-heartedly, I chose a pair and went in search of DRAGON QUEST VIII. That was my main motivation in going all the way down to Tampines Mall, the third time I went to the East in as many days.

After I got home, I found on the pair of jeans, the label, "This material is designed to fade after washing. Please separate from other clothings." It's either darn cheeky advertising and darn lousy material or darn punk clothes. Both which really don't go down well with me, at all.

***

Rather exhuasted now and since the post isn't turning out the way it should, I might as well call it a day. Oh! What the lack of rest can do to the mind...

SIAN

I haven't watched a soccer match in ages; so staying up for such a crappy performance by NUFC is really disappointing.

I was actually contemplating turning off the TV halfway through the match because I just counldn't bear to see what rubbish they were playing.

They were slow, lacked communication, had no desire and seriously should have been thrashed. The only player who did well was Given. Too think that I sacrificed my sleep for this...=(.

***

Realised that with work on for most of this week, the last essay might prove a little tricky. I guess I have to make some time for it, somehow. Argh.

1944.

Boxing Day

So Christmas came and left.

I had dinner at my aunt's yesterday and caught up with my cousins. I actually haven't seen them in ages already, if you excluded the time I caught sight of them during the funeral. It's sad that things are the way they are right now. Anyway, without me having to be too much of a social recluse, tension was hanging ever so slightly in the air last night. Not too obvious, but enough for the more sensitive to realise.

I got home feeling a bit wasted from the wine piled upon me and whiled away the night watching cable.

Today is Boxing Day, the anniversary of the tsunami disaster as well. So Happy Boxing Day. It sucks to have to go back to work tomorrow. Argh. For now, I need to go to the toilet.

Christmas Day

Ya Kun Kaya Toast


Cups, for a lack of a better caption.


Set A, $3.70

For more reasons than one, yesterday's outing could have been much better. Being in Tampines isn't exactly the best of ways to get into the festive spirit. Of course, we did all the things normal, bored people would do on the eve of a festival; we joined in the countdown, we idled around blabbering rubbish and we caught a movie at midnight.

I never thought I would watch 'The Chronicles of Narnia' as I was never much of a fantasy fan. But as all things in life goes, sometimes, we don't have a choice. And on other occasions, we get deceived by our best friends. The show was pleasurable while it lasted and maybe having not read the book, I was able to stay awake for most parts of it, and to some extent, rather glued to the screen when the lion was getting killed. But I did, in the middle of the show, dozed off for a couple of minutes.

Later, we hopped on to a cab back to my friend's place for the night, getting conned by the wretch driver in the process.

Morning came relatively quickly, for we only slept a couple of hours and breakfast on Christmas Day was just a simple affair at White Sands. After which, I made my way home across the island with work filling my mind and a lousy email irking me just as I switched on the computer. Bah!

***

On my way to meeting my companions last night, I saw a girl on the train. She probably is still in primary school and I would judge her age to be around 9 or 10. the reason she caught my eye was because she looked incredibly pretty for someone so young. I am sure that she must be of some mixed origin, maybe a hint of Indian perhaps? With her, was a noisy little boy who insisted on playing a ridiculous game of naming all the animals of the sea. I confessed that I tried to go through several names of oceanic animals and was quite pleased at the number I could think of just at my fingertips. Anyway, there was a woman with the two of them, whom I come to regard as their maid because she looked Indonesian/Filipino. Gross stereotyping, but I cannot help it.

This girl in question, looked a lot like her 'maid', which got me thinking what did the Father do. Maybe I am overly suspicious. The 'maid' could have easily been her Mother, yes?

Then again, she had really good features and am sure she would turn out into a fine young woman. A pity I'm already past the primary school stage by slightly more than half a decade.

Before I get wasted...

I am, as I type, imprisoned in my own room because my parents' friends are here and I do not wish to engage them in superficial talk today.

At present, work isn't getting done at a very high rate, but I am rather please with the progress I have made so far. To soothe the guilty conscience, I will try and complete on of the essays tonight; 'try' being the key here.

And now, I travel across this merry island in search for some company on Christmas Eve night.

Work to be done: One application left.

Camera shake =S

Again.

X'mas eve

I am tempted to go through the archives just for interest to read what happened on the same day, one year back. But I shan't do so because I quite vividly recall that day and its significance, I believe won't be recorded if you were to go check it up.

One year however, is a long time. And things change.

***

Hmmm, having a whole day laid ahead of me with nothing particular in mind gives me a sense of having all the time in the world ot indulge myself. Ideas include going to town to visit the bookshop and picking up a game for the PS2. And of course, getting the university applications done.

For now, I shall slack, like I have been for the past one week. Life without school is another form of enjoyment.

***

My X'mas wish for this year is a _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

We know it's X'mas when there is stockpiling of beer.

***

...a small measure of peace that so many seek, yet so little find.

Definitely have had better day. I still haven't started work yet.

***

My aunt called and she was so excited over _____. Which actually irked me a little.

Sometimes, certain things are better left buried and not raked up.

Nightmare before X'mas

Extremely thankful that I have been at home since 1 PM.

Just woke up from a nap to recuperate from last night's fiasco. Ahhh, SIAN. Should have done some work before retiring to bed. Last night was surreal. I wonder if I have sold my soul to the devil without knowing.

And this morning, we had cigars, cigarettes, champaign, wine, cake, sweet meats, ham and curry?!?! I must try and reject this kinda lifestyle even though it requires little effort getting used to. Surreal dudes. Surreal with a capital S.

And now we adjourn for X'mas eve's eve dinner. How insanely exciting. Work will start at night.

Venom

First day of work and if this is not a bad day, I don't know what is.

My leave got cancelled by the _ _. Seems like I am right about him being a garang bastard. Right from the start, I had a bad feeling about him and every time I am summoned to his office, I come out feeling a lot worse then before. Today's incident, is just one of the many to come, I fear. And I got arrowed to do DO duty on the 2nd of Jan '06; that's the first public holiday of the year and with that, any hope of a long weekend (>3 days) for my NSF life is probably gone, gone, GONE!

Argh.

And despite all the inertia, I managed to go enrol into Bukit Batok Driving Centre just 2 hours ago. Quite surprised that I dragged myself there after all it was raining and I had a less than satisfactory day at work. Practicality was at work when I signed up for a Class 3 license. I don't own a motorcycle yet and a car can indeed ferry more people at once. But yeah, I am going to get a Class 2B/2A/2 someday.

Signing up for driving is like a ritual that all teenagers go through, some kind of baptism to show the world that you are finally coming of age. Some get all excited by it, some get all stressed by it, some get all pissed by it-like me. The hidden costs are really terrible. Before even doing anyhing, I had to pay $84 for the enrollment and $6 for photos which they didn't even want! All they needed was an image of me...WHICH they could easily scan from some fricking card. Got a password to set up and account with the school and resetting the password would cost $10.50. I already written it down in a secret place so that I will not have to suffer the agony of parting with more money. Many useless lessons are required even though they are highly unnecessary. WHO THE HELL NEEDS 2 x $16 THEORY LESSONS TO PASS THE BASIC THEORY TEST? Argh!!!
Oh, they even grade the instructors according to the pass rates of their students and you have to pay a surcharge depending on what kind of instructor you get.

The amount of ridiculous things you have to pay for is just incredible and if I don't stop now, I probably won;t be able to. Just go here to find out for yourself. Learningg to drive in Singapore has got to be the most commercialised thing around.

Growing up has never been cheap.

Still figuring out the tree

Only a few are ok...

out of a total of 24 shots taken.

How disappointing. Shall try again soon. Bah!

I'm an airlocked generator...=(.

Dad bought the exactly same thing I had for lunch, for dinner. My body and mind still feels really drained (gotta stop telling myself this!) and ACE COMBAT 5 on the PS2 didn't exactly bring about the revitalisation I was hoping to get. Oh well, at least I am one step nearer to completing the game. Haha.

***

Was blog-surfing for a whille. It sure is better dishing out the hurt than be on the receiving end of it. I should really plan for X'mas eve and X'mas itself lest I might just have to stay at home with a bunch of my Dad's friends. Argh!

Hiaz.

***

Have to report tomorrow and after that I get to sign up for my Basic Theory Test! Yeah! It's either Class 3A or 2B. That I have not decided...

A slow day

Nothing particular on the agenda today besides the usual. A day with some time to while away...=).

I fear for my unit life. This fear is very real. Shall shelf this thought for away until I meet the guys tomorrow. Sian.

Got back from running some errands just a while ago. Bought lunch for my parents, picked up stuff from NTUC and the library, bummed into an ex-classmate at the hawker centre and finished the X'mas cards! Have to drag myself out to post them later.

Yawn, I am getting sleepy already.

Oh and before I forget again. I now have cable TV in my room. But even with almost a 100 odd channels to choose from, I am still kinda bored.

***

Just woke up from a nap, and still feeling sluggish. Has to be today huh. SIAN.

I don't feel comfortable pushing away too much work. In fact, I feel quite bad actually. Hiaz. The situation will be tricky especially with the eyes of _ _ trained on me..

He is a very dangerous and deep fella, in my opinion.

***

I love writing letters, notes and cards to people. I just wonder why so many others prefer email instead.

LOTR was on channel 5 just now and I couldn't possibly miss it, could I?

***

Some people are really plain childish, or is it me that is lacking the sense of fun? It's the army, I tell you. It makes you feel old. I am terribly relieved that my recruit and cadet days are behind me. Was talking to a friend of mine and really, I cannot imagine myself having to suffer the agony of seeing my parents walking away along the narrow length of the Pulau Tekong ferry terminal. Not to say that NSF life haven't had any good memories worth keeping...

I cannot help but allow myself a little evil glee at the thought of JC2s enlisting. Welcome to the real world my friends. =D.

***

The fluorescent lamp in my bedroom is flickering away and is giving me a headache. I am dissed.

[insert afternoon nap]

After a MSG and trans fat laden lunch of 1.5 packets of instant noodles with extra chilli and sesame oil, I decided time was still on my side and thought some rest would be good.

Time secretly sneaked over to the dark side and 3 hours later, I am awake slightly upset with how things have gone today. =(. At last the X'mas cards are done and I plan to mail them out tonight.

Mum isn't back yet. Oh boy, I don't want a MSG and trans fat laden 1.5 packets of instant noodles with extra chilli and sesame oil for dinner.

I don't like egg tarts

A casual conversation with my parents turned into a demand from them to get X'mas presents for them.

I was going to get presents until recently because of ________, which resulted in me having to ___________ and thus gobbling up all my _______. Hence the decision not to buy anything. Things sure have changed now and it makes me wonder how do I squeeze time for shopping within the next 5 days even as my schedule is suffocating me so darn badly already. =S.

The X'mas cards on the table needs writing. And ahhh...the essays, read the papers. That should be enough for the day?

We will see.

Music: Because of You, Kelly Clarkson

0063, not 0061

I must first say that I am not hard up for the 3G Motorola handphone which probably costs a cool half a thousand. No, I just really would like to have it, but won't go to the extent of begging or stealing. Bwahhhh. I want it!

Nah. Just felt that this entire lucky draw thingy kinda summed up the year pretty well---always coming in second for the important stuff. There are seriously no prizes for being in 2nd position, being silver medallist, being runner-up, being second fiddle, being assistant, being deputy....you get the idea. Hiaz.

The ball itself was ok, rather fun in fact. Maybe it is because the atmosphere was something cheery to colour my rather argh life...Opiate to relief the pain of lost. Hey, I thought I dressed quite decently though. Too bad the rechargables weren't working well or I could have snapped a couple of photos. Haha.

And I realised that the makeup.cigarettes.chiongsters.heels all come out at night. It's like a Singapore that good home-loving students don't know or refuse to acknowledge the existent of. Yet, I found solace in the night crowds today. Lonely people hoping to find an outlet for release. Would you rather savour the sweet melancholy of failure or the bland ecstasy of success? Even I don't know the answer.

I think change is in order. Major change, and just as well that the new year is approaching.

I feel like a social misfit and a major screwup.

I was ranting away just now, partly to myself and partly to my Mum and discovered that I said all that I wanted to say.

But I can't possibly put them up here, can I?

Aftermath: Day 1

Succumbed to sleep last night at an early hour. Fifth straight day that such a thing happened. Stuff seems to be occuring in trends lately. Oh well.

Yesterday's gastric has been brought over to today too.

Bah.

Wah Lau

It was a pathetic way of knowing I got deferred. I accidentally opened the mail, accidentally read the mail and accidentally knew the decision. The excitement level was low, way low.

I thought it would have been such, but of course haboured hopes of celebrating today away. Alas, it didn't come true. Oddly, there isn't as much disappointment as I thought I would have. Maybe it hasn't sink in yet. Argh. Whatever.

The essays that haven't been touched for one month HAVE to be written now. And the waiting continues for 4 WHOLE months, with less, much less hope.

Fuck la.

***

The add insult to injury, I am posted to the only unit that can't go on leave after this course. LIFE STINKS!

Double fuck la.

My day

The second consecutive day that I went to hang out with friends. This time was soccer at some court near Causeway Point.

Tiring...and I have a huge blister on my left sole now. =(. Had KFC for dinner, which is no good. I guess the chicken ranks up high amongst the world's most trashy food. Pui. Besides, it's expensive too.

The conversation revolved around what to wear/who's weaaring what for Saturday and how sucky the darn course is. First taste of working life perhaps? Going to work in the morning, spending the entire day at work not necessarily doing work and hanging out at night because you think you deserve some time off. Repeat the same for the next morning....following morning etcetra etcetra.

Sometimes, it just feels so good wallowing in the depths of misery. And the wait ends tomorrow. Not sure how I am gonna take the blow man...=S.

The course is killing me. The wait is killing me.

***

Just got home an hour around after shopping with a friend for presents. Had dinner at Newton and despite the pricy food, I quite like the place. It felt quite vibrant even though it was nearing 11 PM on a weekday. Plenty of stuff to see...and to eat as well. Hahaha.

I need to shower and sleep. Bye!

***

Please....

End of Orientation

The second consecutive day that I am home before 5 PM, ON A WEEKDAY! I can easily get used to this sorta life but most unfortunately ain't in the lucky bunch of staff officers. =(.

The new unit I am going to reminds me a bit about those service term days in Delta. The first impression certianly could have been much better...but that, I will wait unit UIP is over to judge.

Leave has been booked as well. Again, I wasn't in the lucky bunch that will be off until 3rd next month. That doesn't really bother me though as I will still be on leave from the 23rd til the 3rd. Not a bad deal in my opinion.

That aside, I must must MUST kick start the essay writing rituals today. Have been putting it off for almost a month already.

***

Life is just so bland these days.

My bleeding head is pounding away like mad. Argh. I feel like smashing myself against the wall.

Having said that, the talk I attended this afternoon was kind of boring. To think that I had to content myself amidst the twerps, fanatics and plain stupid for an hour or so. Pui.

But the eclairs were fantastic. A pity the twerps got to them first. =(.

I can't believe this!

This has got to be THE most useless day of my 19 years on earth.

Utterly unproductive and boring. Totally forgettable and destined to be consigned to the bin of regrettable-wasted-days. God, please save me!

I did get dragged out by Mum to Suntec City Tower 3 to pick up my brother's jacket and buy some new clothes at the same time. Pretty pleased with the stuff I bought, but the wallet did hurt a fair bit.

Tomorrow, I write.

Inertia and Impetus

After a night and a morning, the feeling still hasn't sunk in yet and will never, I think.

So it's another Sunday and I am in front of the computer contemplating how best to get my ass moving in a positive direction. Yeah, and I am waiting for lunch as well.

***

Maybe I should kick start my day with a swim. It might just be the impetus I have been missing to get the writings done.

And I must go shoot the Ministry of Arts building some day man. Woohoo.

I need to start feeling

My mind is very messed up now. There are too many thoughts...

Just one thing, I have finally reached the end of a long journey. A journey that I will never ever forget.

My feet

A few nights ago, I was touching my feet and found they weren't the feet that I used to know.

The sole had calloused badly due to the many marches, exercises and what not. It felt so hard, so foreign...

I don't think my feet are mine anymore.

***

Finally, the journey ends today. In about 19 hours time, I will start a new phase of my military life.

It is always moments like these when all the emotions and feelings rush to the head and you don't know what or how to start. All you do is just smile daftly to yourself and savour it.

Like I do. =).

***

Uni apps to be done soon. And I am still waiting.

Shoot through a window. Pretty amazing how it turned out

Experimenting with the sunset. The first clear outline of the sun...

And the moon is out as well

Jamie's School Dinners

I applaud the man for such a great idea. The show was very interesting as well, but that might not be the case in reality. Come on, after all entertainment is its first priority.

Oh, the cynic in me is at work.

Great hour spent watching the television. Haven't wrote anything substantial yet. Frick. The day is almost gone...ARGH!

Just to add, if the show is anything to go by, one should swear of chicken nuggets permanently. Apparently, nuggets are made from industrial reclaimed meat, which is a euphemism for chicken bones, skin and fat all grinded into pulp and fried with bread crumbs and some food chemicals.

What about the meat?!?!

I wonder what McDonald's have to say about this.

Topping the headlines everywhere is the hanging of he-whose-name-I-can't-spell. I never once doubt that the government would sway in its decision.

The high morals aside, it is simply a precedence that cannot be set. Debates on capital punishment must have been around since its conception and we are no where near a compromise. And will never be, if I may add.

I won't bother adding my two cents worth of crap on the issue because I am really divided by the hanging. Just thinking about having to walk the last 50m of your life down to a noose is sickening. Anyway, where I am from, people only care about talking cock, drinking beer and the next book-out. Definitely won't be having to deal with any serious discussions about the incident...yeah so why bother?

In a couple of weeks, maybe shorter, this entire furore will just be forgotten like any other, only to exist in the ones dearest to he-whose-name-I-can't-spell. And maybe the judge...perhaps not because there might be other hangings he has ordered liao.

This must be the most intellectual thing I have written in quite a while.

***

Alone, like the samsung heirness
Dying together
Alone

Time flies

How unimaginative. Haha. But it's December already, the 4th to be exact and last night town was a reflection of the festive spirit that everyone is in. Lights, noises and people are just the stuff that I miss every single Monday to Friday and sometimes Saturdays as well.

I guess this is the first full year that I did something different. No school, no exams, no freedom....I can go down the whole lists of 'no's'. But that would be too negative and...well useless. I do believe that some lessons have been learnt out of the entire experience of the military. There are always things to be learnt...and I think now is a good time to do some reflection on that...on paper.

Because in a couple of days time, at best the start of next year, I will be undertaking some serious responsibility.

***

Had dinner and did some window shopping last night and was exhausted by the time I got home. Slept the entire night away in a bid to wake up early today. Didn't happen though. Argh.

Today will be dedicated to writing essays. Cya until I finish!

***

The brain is seriously darn DRAINED. Haven't sprouted any shit yet.

37 of 38

So I concluded week 37 out of 38 just a couple of hours ago. I received my new posting this week as well but everything about the job is still rather hazy. All I can say is it doesn't matter much if it happens.

Have been bumming around the house ever since I got home. The essays are still waiting to be reviewed and written. Hiaz...somehow I can't find the urge to do so though.

DIE.

Hopefully, tonight will be better. For now, I tihnk I should give myself a treat.