The usual

The roller coaster of emotions that associates itself with the countdown to booking in is here again. =(.

Right now, its at a low point and with no peak in sight. Tomorrow, I leave for my last major outfield exercise of this term with no decision as to whether I wanna take the disruption.

I often kid myself that I could go the distance...blah blah blah. Time to be brutually honest, I guess.

How does it feel like to have someone sitting on top of you all the time? Or see people just take shortcuts to end up above you?

I would kill myself if that were to happen. And that is likely to if I so happen to take up a scholarship. I will just leave it at that.

My GIC interview happens to fall on a fricking day when I cannot get leave. Argh. History better not repeat itself or I will be damn pissed off.

[My Mum asked me to reapply to PSC if I so happen to reject the Medicine offer. I find that a hassle, a joke and an insult. But pride is worth nothing in this world. I might do just that. Hahaha.]

I have just finished 'Rich Dad Poor Dad'! Did learn quite a bit from it and now time for some action! But some of the stuff inside wasn't very moral I thought. Ahh, heck! What the hell.

Just wasting time again...

The Geneva Convention (GC) is the most ridiculous thing I have ever come across.

The celebration of humanity in the most barbaric act. I bet everyone follows it. Geez.

Who the hell came up with the GC?!?!

That's why I dislike politicians. They make everything look and sound good and hardly ever realise the plans. Most have ulterior motives and personal agendas for the things they do under the guise of public goodness.

Of course, one would admire them for their skill in writing, speech and presentation. They are the epitome of showmanship. But then again, your durian hawker or million dollar round table salesman does just about the same.

Haha.

Oh well, seems like everyone has been doing their fair share of pondering these days.

I wanted to say something else but it slipped my mind.

Things don't go my way

When you say that, you blame your fate, your luck and everything around you except yourself.

Your brain stops to work and you don't use your most powerful asset to create opportunities for yourself.

'How can I make things go my way?'

The difference is you are forced to think, to be creative and to try changing the situation into a winning one. You will be excerising your most powerful tool--your brain and the potential rewards are limitless.

...I can't believe whether to take an MC for diarrhea can give so much inspiration. =S.

Have to book-in at 8 PM today. Hiaz.

Shall go read the papers first.

My stomach is killing me. Argh!

Life changing decisions would have to be made tomorrow. Hiaz.

I wonder if there is time for me to visit the Creative warehouse sale. Hmmm. Gotta pick up some necessities on the way as well for my next week of hell.

I have a sudden urge to go button bash on the PS2, but somehow my eyes are refusing to open and brain refusing to work.

Ever since coming home, I have blogged, ate lunch, wash up, read the newspapers and slept.

Not very exciting eh?

All because of a bad stomach. Bah!

[I have get a bad feeling about this morning's signals retest and demolition test. Oh man, please let me pass. I have no time for a re-retest. =(.]

Passerby?

Yo passerby!

I have to thank you for two things.

Firstly, thanks for letting me know that I have friends who read my blog and take time to defend me.
Secondly, thanks for reading my blog!

Hahaha.

Let me take some time out from my very very precious book-out to reply to your rather lame posts.

1. I am not really depriving anyone of a place in medicine since I haven't accepted it! I just merely got an offer. And I think NUS do offer more people the course than the places they have BECAUSE they know some people will reject it in the end.

Have you ever thought of that? Or are you just sore you didn't get into medicine and just wanna find fault?

2. My reasons for taking medicine ain't your business but obviously you would like to THINK they are!
Well, I guess you have to read my archives to find my reasons. I bet I have written them somewhere. Thanks for reading in advance!!!

Just in case you can't/don't want to find them, I really really want to help people and am really really interested in the subject. Really! Something tells me you won't believe me. Hiaz

3. I might be a whining Singaporean NS boy but I haven't gone out of course! Until I do that, don't say I haven't taken responsibility

On this aspect, I have to agree with nicholas, give me your name and contact. We should talk face to face.
Then again, I doubt you would want to meet me. Neither would I. =).

BTW, nicholas, don't get so worked up. No point killing yourself over...such an insignificant thing.

I wonder why I even reply. Gotta go! CYA!

A reflective piece

Despite my earlier post on thinking too much being counter productive, I have gone ahead and thought even more. =).

On my desk is an article my Dad cut out for me. 'Thinking your way to happiness' is its title. What a joke to play on me. I will read it in camp.

[Time seems to be speeding up really fast now. Scary.]

I have made some headway into why I would like to take up the medical course. I don't know why, but it seems I am trying to convince myself to take it up. This might actually expose my real intentions of trying to run away from the army, but that is an issue for some other time.

Actually, what I have just discovered is I need the freedom I once had back. Not the freedom to just bum around. But the time and space to accomplish what I have set out to achieve.

I was telling a senior how I have been deceived into the whole business of scholars and scholarships. Right now, I don't even give a damn about one anymore. You can say that is because NUS Med is in the waiting, or that I just want to get out of SAF. I wouldn't say you are wrong. However, the more important reason is that I have been to afraid of taking the less trodden path.

I am probably influenced by the 'Rich Dad Poor Dad' book. Hahaha.

I look at one of my good friends and it totally fits the situation. I would probably be the poor educated sob while he the rich uneducated guy. Uneducated here doesn't mean being illiterate or stupid.

Then I ask myself if I want to be a scholar? The answer is I don't mind, though not as strongly as before.

Taking medicine would enable me to disrupt from army and study a subject that I do have some interest in. I envision myself going into psychiatry research and even branching out to writing books on them. I would packed my university life with learning how to drive, how to investment and develop my budding hobbies like photography and writing some self help guides. Work is on the charts as well. I want to be a saleman, a waiter and better still a hawker boy because I know these are the jobs that will help me in life. I would be studying in two universities at once. NUS and the what the chinese call 社会大学 (society).

How I manage the time I won't know. But the urge to do it is just too strong.

And then I wonder if it is all on impulse.

This is for real. I have the opportunity to make the change my life so drastically that the effects will be seen in a month's time.

What's holding me back are the scholarships. But do I really want them? How would I know if I would enjoy the job there? How would I know Computer Science is suitable for me? How would I know that an overseas education is what I want?

I don't.

I know what I don't want. I don't want to regret like I always did. I don't want to chicken out like I did for fencing.

I want to do things with the right reasons, with enough conviction to see me through.

Shit, I just wasted two years in NS and I can't stand my job with IDA. Why the hell did I choose the scholarship when I could have been a doctor and enjoy both schooling and army life as an MO?

Damn it, I hate medical school! I was so damn stupid to just trick myself into believeing I would grow to like it. I succumbed to the temptation of a mere 1.5 years of enjoyment only to screw myself for the rest of my life. Just great.

Fixed up

My concept of timing has been ruined by the army. I left my house for the library only to return 20 minutes later because today is Vesak Day.

Libraries are not open on public holidays.

As a student, I would rejoice at the long weekend. Now, I am just waiting to book in and survive another week.

Time seems to have suddenly slowed down a bit, which is a good thing. I am not complaining. =).

My parents are urging me not to think so hard and concentrate on matter at hand, like the test on military law.

I find it extremely laughable.What I need is some structure to my thinking.

My Dad offered to make the decision for me. But I rejected him flatly. This is my life and for once I would like to take charge and be responsible for whatever that happens.

It reminds me of the time I was agonising over fencing...Up till now, I still don't know if I made the right decision.

From now until 6 PM (Dinner and planning)
6 PM until 8 PM (Shower, pack up, study for tests and book in)

[I just remembered that I saw a pair of lesbian girls yesterday and a guy wearing a wristband on his ankle.]
[That's what I have been doing, excessive thought, planning and reflection. Not with a purpose, but the need to feel secure. Haha, and to think I had the audacity to call it maturity. Gah!]

Argh, what the hell.

Going to have to book in later. This totally sucks.

The only comforting thought is that I have the power to change this all. The problem is I sense that my parents are not really supportive of doing things that way.

Hiaz.

Read page 12 of the Sunday Times. There is totally no sense in her response. I would have been appeased if she had the guts to admit her mistakes. But no! She goes on and on about how she have been wronged and other equally irrelevant stuff.

Please, don't try and smoke me and the rest of Singapore. That's quite an insult to our intellect.

There is absolutely no point in her letter. She would have been better off not writing.

Oh, don't forget to read the editor's note. Hahaha, so much for bootlicking.

Interestingly, her photograph tries presents a softer image of herself as compared to the more aggressive and dominating one in the previous article. But it's a little too late...LOL!

Hiaz.

I am tired of making decisions. Very tired and very frightened.


The light at the end of the tunnel? I kept staring at that capitalized bold word until it seemed a little alien to me.

Tell me what to do?

[If I happen to reject the offer, someone on the waiting/appeal list will be very happy. Sorta like paying my brother's 2 years old debt.]

Back from a shower and I am faced with the problem of whether to attend a class lunch tomrrow.

Guess I probably would turn up at the expense of preparing for booking in. Book-in day is just a couple of minutes away. Hiaz. And to think I have spent the better part of today sleep. =(.

You know, the ball is in my court right now. Yes, I have been accepted into the prestigous medicine course in NUS. The power is in my hands to determine my life within the coming 2 weeks.

I can attend any class lunch/dinner/supper/whatever at any time on any day. No more SAFTI MI, no more army. It would be like the old days ('good' is purposely left out). There will be plenty of familiar faces around the place judging from past experience. Friendships can be rekindled, new friends can be made...all in nice, pleasant environment.

Driving lessons will be priority. I can subscribe to magazines to kill free time, read up on finance and investments, complete writing my books, play my games...

After school, I can go home to rest or go out with friends or just hang around doing nothing. The options are endless. Because I will be a free man.

Man have always yearned to be free. The taste of freedom is always sweet, especially so for men whose freedom have been taken away from them.

Go look for the article on the Philippines munity in today's papers. Look at the faces of the soldiers who have been released from prison. Look at the geniune happiness...I have the power to look like that in a month.

What an ironic example...haha.

Thinking haven't been of any help. I usually decide things on a piece of paper, writing all the pros and cons down. Even that can't help me anymore. I am lost and confused.

People say courage is needed to wield power. That's true.

I wish I had an answer. And I thought such trouble only came from girls.

Breather

I took a walk in town today with many things on my mind. I was actually trying to sort things (about my future) out while walking along but ended up dropping my Ripple Magnolia ice cream onto the ground and stepped into 2 puddles of dirty water.

Went to both the Suntec and Centrepoint Times outlets but couldn't find any book to buy. Tried to look for a backpack for my brother who is going to Athens for a holiday but was turned off by lousy design and exorbitant prices.

'Cheaper, better and faster' You can only have two of the choices each time, one would be a trade off.
-advice from a travel book from Times

On my way around, I noticed...

my gay ang moh neighbour just got back from Batam

a girl reading a book on dinosaurs. I always thought only boys were fascinated by big lizards

a Japanese guy who owns a mini mart at Far East reminiscing about how smooth he was as a young man

a starbucks man serving ice coffee at the entrance of Suntec using a dispenser that looks like those used for spraying insecticide

two weirdos discussing the size of the landing gear of the F18 Hornet in a hobby shop

two middle age women discussing about their up coming budget trip to somewhere. I think it's the UK since I kept hearing pounds, pounds and pounds.

...I think I will stop here. A shower and some relaxation is needed.

A proper meal

Dim Sum buffet lunch!

Guo Tei, dumpling with a soupy filling. It was pipping hot when they served it to me. Wonderful!

Japanese Grilled Saba Fish with thousand island dressing salad and a dash of fish roll. Wahhh...

I had this beancurd thingy at Sun Lok's before. They taste about the same, just that Tung Lok's version was fresher.

Fried black pepper beef tenderloin. Extremely sinful. =S

Desert. Vanilla ice cream!

There are many more dishes that I have tried and have no pictures to show. Either they were finished to quickly or I was just plain lazy. =D.

Tung Lok certainly deserves another visit for its excellent service, great food and affordable price (The ala carte buffet was $16 ++ per head).

Ambience will be the only regrettable factor. Imagine having to put up with the agony of lunching with a table of OCS morons just beside me.

Argh.

Sidetrack a bit, my staff sergeant is the most amazing person I have seen so far. Singapore should have more of such people.

Lucky?

I envy people who have only one passion and are solely determined on that route of life.

It's dangerous, but once you get what you want...=).

My Dad says I am spoilt for choice and I do agree with him partially.

It's really giving me a great headache. I am not even sure how much time I have on my hands to play with.

Today is already 10 19 AM of Day 2.

On a side note, I might have a chance to go to Tung Lok Seafood Restuarant later for lunch. The only thing about that place is SAFTI MI is just across the road. Argh.

Now, time to think. Any advice you have for me, kindly tag it.

There ain't much time to waste man, book-outs are too precious.

Motherly love, from left clockwise: Butter slice, Cheese cake, Blackforest cake and blueberry crumble

My mind is tired from insufficient food and rest. I don't think I will continue any further until tomorrow.

So glad to be at home...for two consecutive nights!

[I was dozing off already when some of my BMT mates contacted me. Talking to them just brings back the good old days...Hiaz. I am wide awake now.]

[I checked the website and found out that NUS Medicine have accepted me. So do I wanna disrupt?]

[I need to enjoy this fricking book-out man!!! WTF!]

Ah, what the hell. Since I am totally awake now, I thought might as well pen some ramblings down.

Recently, I have been trying to convince people to see certain things my way. A lot of people go about their lives putting in 100% effort and in the end feeling disgruntled about not achieving eventual success. Hard work is good. I stand by that. But hard work alone doesn't guarantee success.

Only working smart does.

Before you go 'Chey, what rubbish, another wayang,' let me explain.

My definition of working smart does not mean cutting corners or cheating or any thing that causes a guilty conscious. That definition is too conventional. Working smart simply means working hard at the right time and at the right place.

You can call it being efficient if you want to.

Really, there are so many ways to get to a similar end result. Some might want to chose a harder road, for whatever reason they have. For the majority, getting there is more important than the process itself. Touch your heart and tell me whether you think so as well...

I would think that achieving the result would be sweeter than failing in vain after much trying.

That having said, I wouldn't encourage you to take the easiest way out. I personally wouldn't as well. The point here is at times, learn how to take a step back, relax and let the job be done in the smartest, not the hardest, way.

Why?

Just simply because you need a break every now and then. And let me tell you something. I have observed with my very own eyes that high fliers do take a break from their high standards. They might be able to last longer without whining...but not forever. That is for sure.

These group of people work smart because they make it seem like they are working hard all the time. When they are actually not.

The fool who believe in that imagery sadly sells his life away, toiling while others, to put it bluntly, get fat on his fruits of labour.

Seriously.

You wanna be the fool, or the fat shit?

[Pride is just to legitimize mindless toiling. ]

Now, do you have pride...hahaha. Even I don't know what to say.

Rushing life

A very amazing book out.

I reached backed camp at 1 10 AM and did some fatigue work before having ALL the time to do my personal things.

I talked with people, phoned my mother, had supper, took a good shower, arrange my room a bit and had a short nap.

Now this is life!

No worries about lights out timings, no one watching your every move and no one constantly screwing you for the smallest of details.

Everything that happened at the LSA interview is forgettable. Hahaha...maybe except for the canteen break and the expensive, sinful plate of bee hoon.

Hopefully, I will be back here on the 20th raving about the possibility of 'back to study'.

How ironic to quote an army song (I totally hate them!) here...CYA!

Last entry until...the 17th hopefully.

I still am lacking in self control.

In a couple of months time, people will be free from this NS life. Free to do whatever they want, whenever they want. I am not sure whether I should go ahead and join this group of people if I have the chance.

Tantalizing indeed.

My mind is clogged up with how to be wealthy.

And after so long, my plans for the future have yet to be finalized.

Perhaps being a pyschiatrist isn't such a bad idea after all. It is interesting how people tend to follow crowds...the insecurity and stuff. I think it would make a good research topic.

The interview panel commended on how I like to observe people. And it is true. People are interesting.

I came across this poem in the book 'Rich Dad Poor Dad', which I am reading now.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost [1916], The Road Not Taken

My medicial essay came from the heart? Hahaha. It is something worth considering.

I am also thinking what's with scholars and scholarships.

fucking frustrated.

ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!

fucking screw up.

This always fucking happens on a book out day when I should be happy.

FUCK YOU.

I should be out on a Sunday like this enjoying.

A stitched photo that went wrong...LOL.

The point is today's skies are crispy clear and blue. The wind is gentle and the air fresh.

After rain, the world looks brand new.

I am disraught thinking about the punishments and the possible coming ones. I think I need a walk.

The stupidity of it all

Hiaz, just wasted some time doing a hasty job of tacticalising (no such word, another army idiosyncrasy-inventing new words)the Prickly Heat Powder.

Solded at all CK Departmental stores at $2.60 per bottle. I think the price went up by 20 cents. =S.


...where time has gone in the army and book-outs...

Paper review...

Reading the Sunday Times is so enjoyable. It never falls to make me write something! =).

Page 8 'Casion mogul: Too much control'

There are a lot of quote worthy phrases in the articel critiszing the Singaporean govement for trying to act smart. I will just use one of them. 'But you don't tell an expert how to do an expert's job. You ask.' Just think about it, how many times have the govenment think that it knows what is best? Or in Mr Wynn's words, 'issuing thunderbolts of wisdom from the top of Mount Oylmpus'. Everytime. They do that every single time. The reason is the people in the government now, and probably in the future (I am surrounded by PSC scholars now) ain't that fantastic.

They might be good at some areas but the inability to accept any form of a subordinate role will only cost them dearly. It is amazing how desperately people want to lead all the time. The success of Singapore is no mean feat. But if you consider the size of this tiny island, our governance is definitely a simple task as compared to some bigger countries. The argue can go the other way with people saying sustaining a land with no natural resources (I hate to use this phrase) is much more difficult.

But I stick to my own opinion. It is my hope as a Singaporean that people wake up and understand that the world works in its own unique way. You don't change the world. You change yourself.

Page 11 'Philip Yeo's whiner and wimp remark'

Bond breaking is unethical. There is no doubts about that. However, this is only my personal view.

Other's apply for scholarships like A*STAR might have different thoughts in mind and it is the SOLE RESPONSIBILITY for the organisation to sieve out this group of people and cut them out at the selection process. You SHOULD NOT and CANNOT blame the applicants for the incompetence of your scholarship selection team.

This group of people might be unethical. They might be called liars and cheats. But they ain't holding a gun to your head to force out an acceptance letter from you. I don't know why he cannot see it from this point.

Now I am wondering who is the _____ how hired a team of scholarship officers who cannot even unearth wayangs after 3 rounds.

Might get sued sia. =S.

As for A*STAR scholar Ms Chng Zhenzhi, I would like to tell you that you have absolutely no fucking right to make any fucking comment.

I can see through you like a piece of glass. You are shallow and a bootlicker. Behind that disgusting photo, which occupies half the space (which can be devoted to more important news like a man biting a dog), you have displayed the ultimate characteristic of a loseristic person.

You say that women scholarship holders are go-getters, aggressive and all that load of crap. I wonder if you dare to speak out if there is something you are unhappy with at A*STAR. Or are you entirely living the life of your dreams there? Of course you would say yes.

What is your point about privilege and entitlement? Are you telling me since you regard your A*STAR scholarship as a privilege, you aint gonna complain about it? Hahaha...Then what about being a GO GETTER? And let me tell you straight to the face, people who have worked hard have every single right to demand a scholarship (although I think humility is still an important virtue). What's wrong? It is not FREE money, you know. The bond is there to make sure you pay back the organisation.

As for the NS remarks, Ms Chng, just try it out yourself. Try it and see if you can take the physical training and the regimentation. Show me the mettle to shut my mouth up. Before that, you shut your trap and understand that we so called whining Singaporean boys are the ones doing the job right now.

Without us, you, your family and your A*STAR scholarship will be gone fuck.

Finally home.

I haven't slept at home for 2 weeks already, including today because I will have to book in later at 8 PM. Hiaz.
I haven't booked out in daylight for 3-4 weeks, which is about one month!

I wish I didn't have so many punishments. Right now, I have cleared all of them, but 4 more might be on their way.

FUCKING SIAN!

Confinement life was actually not too bad considering the rest booked out only at 4 PM.Of course booking out would be better...=(. I had the luxury of time to take my meals slowly, talking in a cookhouse with only 20 people.

I could do all the necessary preparation for the coming field camps in a block of bunks with only 15 other slackers.

I blasted FM 93.3 music via the speakers, alternating to 93.8 hoping to catch some of the world's happenings.

I did whatever I liked in the way I liked it in a bunk only occupied by me. Shiok!

A sort of very laidback life with no one breathing down on you all the time. It reminds me of the kind of life I had during my two overseas competition trips...just that there is something very different about things now.

A sidenote, Friday the 13th just passed. This whole week was like Friday the 13th for me, getting screwed every single day. Interestingly, no one made a big deal about Friday the 13th.

I remembered people used to creat a big ho-ha about it in school.

Oh, I am no longer a student. That's why.

Looking forward to the long weekend this coming week. It cannot be taken away from me at ALL COSTS.

New friends.

I was blog surfing and came across a very beautifully written one...ah.

I know I am short tempered and have made my fair share of enemies. I must try and change that.

But being so frank probably earned me a few friends as well...

People that would pop by at night to ask how I am doing or whether I knew any help.

People that would join me in cursing the system, the selfish and the plain bastards.

People who would help me get my meals or pass me so snacks.

Helpful people...and the people pretending to be helpful. It is so difficult to differentiate them.

Can someone tell me how?

F to the PSC.

Four of Thirteen hours

The rain splashing down on the earth,
outside.
The chilly wind flowed in,
gently soothing the body.

Linen slightly cold,
with a dash of colour.
Unlike the pale yellow,
I get in a place called 'bunk'

I laid down,
hearing the cars.
Swoooshhh,
they went on a wet Sunday.

Rumbling in the distance,
my mind went hazy.
Sleep is like dying,
only a bit less permanent.

Only then,
could I nurse a hurting heart.
could I find the peace, the meaning and the strength,
to carry on my meaningless, temporary existence.

[A crude attempt at expressing my emotions.]

P.S. I would like to watch 'Kingdom of Heavens'. I was quite fascinated with 'Black Hawk Down' by Ridley Scott for a while, so this should be a good investment.

I think I have changed, maybe for the better (slightly).

Have been thinking about life in university and how I would spend my time wisely to build up a nice CV. CV means curriculum vitae for the uninitiated. Things about doing part-time work, looking for internships and what not....all I have thought of as well and it can be found in today's Recruit (Sunday Times, my favourite!!!).

The article could have easily been written by me, but it wasn't because...just because lah. Life is all about windows of opportunites that open and close. Some will open down the road again, maybe in a day's time or a year or ten. Who knows? Some still shut forever while others only open once.

How you decide to take advantage of this is also another thing. Chiong all your life, or be happy and contented?

I was thinking about this during one lesson in camp and nearly got into trouble for it. Luckily I had the forsight to turn things about. Heng sia.

Right now, I am very focused on planning for my future. It wasn't so a couple of months (6 to be exact) back and I paid a high price for it. Maybe that's why I woke up?

I am bent on it.

I was replacing the batteries of my calculator just now (was reminded of how I used to pack for major exams...) when I thought of the company I mix in camp. The people that I click, or at least talk more with are the non-scholars. I don't know why...I don't know if it is because I want to be like the, or I like them or whatever.

Just that scholars behave differently. I would like to be a scholar, sure thing. But non-scholar attributes are definitely worth developing...things like loyalty to friends, street smartness and practicality.

I am confused. That's probably why I have been reading a lot on self improvement topics like how to speak, listen and live.

Who are you?

Incredible, it is STILL raining rather heavily now. I wonder why do my friends seem to be more favoured by the gods...HIAZ.

In fact, one of them just asked me out to go shopping for fun! =S. She went offline to play computer games btw. Tell me this is a dream...=S.

After waking up at 12 30 PM (took a 4hr recovery nap), I did the online personality test for GIC. The exact same test the airforce and fucking PSC administered on me...

DSTA also just sent me the results of the test they conducted on me.

So how accurate are these tests man? On one hand, I am sketpical about this whole psychological thing because it depends on a lot of things like how truthful the applicant is, the current mood of the applicant etc. But logically speaking, there must be some scientific backing right? Or else why the hell whole people pour so much money for such tests to be conducted?

Knowing what type of person you are is definitely interesting...I enjoy reading the reports that the companies send to me, but can you be sure that you have been judged correctly?

Argh! Tell me what to think.

I would love to think that everyone can be honest all the time. Apparently not.

[The army is full of thieves and selfish bastards who just steal things. I hate, absolutely hate losing times. Fuck it.]

Grey with rain.

If the rain came yesterday, I won't have any shit at all.

It came today which means my book-out is shit.

Fuck it, will you stop being unfair?

Hell...

Today is Mother's day but it is ruined.

The weather is screwed. It is raining like no(damn)body's business and I can't go out at all.

Considering that I just got home and have to get back to camp by 8 PM tonight, today is FUCKED UP.

Not to mention that I haven't sleep since 4 AM on saturday, nearly got shoot and killed during the live firing session last night and got a shit load of FUCKING both at the range and when I got back to camp.

Entertaining the thought whether I should just go report sick...because I really am, or should I be 'garang-like-the-PSC-scholars'.

Will the rain stop now? And come back tomorrow? Please....=(.

Rushing again...

The manual dexterity test confirmed that I ain't gonna be a good dentist.

Some other people did handle the tasks really well, making decent models.

As for me, I was halfhearted, wanting to end the session quick so that I could go home to my parents and slack a bit.

In the end my models were disgusting and I still didn't make it home early. I am such a screw up.

Quite upset right now. I don't know why I am feeling this way man...

Book-in time is at 7 PM. Hope to be back on Mother's Day.

Stay tuned to the moblog...hiaz.

I just got back from the dentistry interview, which was surprisingly speedy and punctual.

My parents are now at IMM shopping for a new iron (the old one blew up) and a new pair of army (read black nerdy and ugly) spectacles for me.

What a waste of good money! I mean the spectacles, not the iron.

Sometimes I wonder if having a home so near by is good. Sure I get to rest and relax, but it also unconsicously forces me to go home all the time and that causes stress for my parents and time wastage during travelling.

Read page 3 of the STimes today. I take back what I just said about the exciting prospects in the IT industry. What a bummer.

The Mr Willin Low (part time lawyer and chef now) struck a chord with me...

He recalls: "I became easily agitated , even snapping at my mum for no reason. So I asked myself: Is this worth it, is this really how I want to live?"

Just on CNA, The Singapore I want is 'a country that can help its people be happy, and be contented in life.'

All flags are at half mast today. I would try get a photo of it and also my mother's day present.

Random, rushed thoughts

I have the dentistry interview at 9 40 AM and still am half asleep now.

Rushed up and down incessently this morning, which is kinda stupid. But I wasn't expecting anything remotely smart from the army.

In between rushing, I saw several friends who came over from SISPEC. They looked really happy. Good for them!

The moment I stepped home, I rushed to open all the windows to let the sun in, switched on the TV (Discovery was showing Jamie Oliver, now its Made to Order!!) and started up the computer to breathe some life into the place.

I am terribly afriad of a cold, empty house now.

Really excited about my future prospects (might be working for IDA) because of recent developments. The government is pumping in more money into IT (last Friday's STimes) and the integrated resort is going to be one heck of a big IT project (according to Digital Life)!

The best thing is I am really into fusing IT into lifestyle i.e. building 'connected' homes, 'smart' appliances and the likes....so the IR would be a nice playground for me. PERFECT!

Just that the timing might not be right. Come 2009, I would probably still be in school. Hiaz.

Fuck the PSC shits, why can't I disrupt too?

I have a really crazy idea. Cornell University is THE best school for hotel management courses. With institutions in Singapore starting similar courses, I wonder what would happen if I change course and study that....

Intriguing thought....=).

Thinking hurts

two persons in one...

That's from COLOURS by Michael Learns to Rock, if I am not wrong.

Yeah, I am a schizophrenic person, a loser trying to be like a winner.

The aritcle about Lance Armstrong in yesterday's edition of TNP is very good. Very inspirational. I have a cut out copy of the Adidas 'Nothing is impossible' advertisement on my cupboard door. Coach Carter might be a movie I will go see next, when I have the time.

See the link?

Only losers with no confidence, low self esteem,no aim and like inspirational, feel good stories. Wallowing in misery is another trademark.

To tell you the truth, I cannot get over what has happened in the last couple of months. Since the start of the year, everything has been so wrong. The clock cannot be turned back, much as I would like to.

The feeling of regret is killing and I find no reason to spare myself that. I enjoy the sinking feeling, the ever silent grip it has over the mind. Slowly, surely, it is going to extinct me.

I just wonder when the time will be.

Definintely feels weird to await your time.

My parents and friends have been so supportive. They tell me of the bright future I have ahead. They tell me of what I already have...so much going for me. Yeah, I know I should be grateful...but under achieving has never been part of my life.

Don't get me wrong. I have always under achieved. Just that I made myself believe I was king. I walked with confidence, talked with confidence, showed confidence, all the while just hoping the bubble never burst.

I wonder if anyone found out?

Everytime I had a chance, I told myself to start afresh, to do it all over again. Everytime I fuck it up, I give up halfway.

I made good friends though...along the way. Some of them stand by me even until now. But they ain't me, they won't know the pain. They cannot be blamed because there is just so much a friend can do for you.

Diana Ser is hosting a new series of GET REAL on CNA featuring global youngsters. One conjures the image of carefree punk kids and that is not too far off. Sometimes, I wish I was one of them...not caring a fuck about this world. No attachments, no ambitions, just have a good time while you can.

I sidetrack a bit. It is going to be 6 PM soon. My mood is rotting as the clock ticks nearer to book-in time.

There is a need to purge this feeling out of me. I need a good crying but somehow the tears don't well up. They have dried up along the way; along my self-centred, goal orientated, success driven, reformative years.

And the ironic thing is now I have nothing left.

Nah, I lied. I do have some stuff going for me. Just that I am not satisfied becuase I am greedy and self centred and a loser.

It reminds me of Cloud of FFVII. Cloud like me, made ourselves believe in what we thought we were so much...until we became so disillusion when the carefully constructed false reality shattered. The plot of that game is too real, it is chilling. I think someone on the production team must have had a similar experience.

Ah fuck. Depression is good for health. It is like opium, dulls the senses, numbs the mind.

I have come to a conclusion.

There are only 2 kinds of happy people out there:

Those who want nothing from/for themselves.
Those who want and got something/everything from/for themselves.

I belong to the unique third group:

Those who want something/everything from/for themselves and got nothing at all.

They call it eternal losers.

[I am trying really hard to cut down on the usage of 'I' and 'it']

Booking in tonight.

The cycle of mood swings starts again. Right now, it is approaching a low point.

It somehow reminds me of oestrogen levels.

[Updte: 12 10 PM, bored with nothing to do except studying for signals test]

笑看天下人

I just got home from my 3rd haircut since enlisting into OCS, making spending $8 and 2 hours at a barber shop a bi-weekly affair. But today is different because I am mighty please with my haircut and the conversation I had was...well...enlightening.

It began with some small talk about how army is and when the Malay barber heard I was in OCS, he like everyone else said it was very good.

'Once you been through all the tough training, you will know you are a better person. And with that, you can do good for others' he said.

We went on to the topic of the benefits signing on (scholarships, going to uni etc.) and he told me of a regular commando who was going to quit SAF already. At age 29, he has some money, planning a business and getting married. Education? O-levels. It's amazing how the barber emphasize on the importance of planning for the future.

'Fail to plan and you are planning to fail'. Wow. Quote worthy...although I think I came across it somewhere else before. Hmmmm.

Talked a little about how some very intelligent people out there just want to be free...free from all the hassle and trappings that are holding most of the world back...

He also mentioned that for every FTA Singapore signs, Singapore has to allow 5000 nationals of that country to come over here to work. Maybe the casino is for that purpose, he speculated.

I didn't even know that! LOL!

I can't remember the rest of the conversation already...maybe as I recall I will just post something.

Right now...OCS work is priority. Hiaz. =(.

I was walking towards the Chinese Gardens MRT station when I saw this piece of graffiti.


Someone please enlighten me...

It's terribly ugly unlike those you see overseas where there is at least some artistic value. This is just...thrash. But intriguingly, the vandal (not graffiti artist) do have a political opinion, unlike 99% of singaporean who worship PAP.

He scribbled 'PAP SUX=PAP DO DO HelL'

I believe he meant 'PAP sucks. PAP should go to hell.'

Took a train down to Raffles City to have lunch with an old friend later. SUBWAY is really expensive. For 30 cm of bread and greens, plus a minute amount of some mashed up paste (they call it the seafood and crab) I was charged $7.90! Felt really like a cow after eating so much of vegetables...pickes, onions, cucumber, tomato, lettuce and olive. =S.

The snadwich was not too bad though. Quite nice, oh and I saw a fencing senior there as well. I guess he is having a fricking good life now. Probably slacking after his exams, out there having fun....=(.


Lunch at SUBWAY


Seafood and Crab, $7.90

The rest of the day passed by walking around the shopping malls, talking about how sucky life is and looking for a wallet.

Time really flies when one is out of camp. Before I know it, it is already 5 PM on a Sunday. Throw in the shitty work that I have to do, plus time for a hair cut, I might as well write my last post now.

Hahaha.


My current life. It's actually more like standstill.

Happy Labour Day.